Falling In Love
by Artika
Summary: Lily/James/Severus - Lily must say good-bye to an old friend. AU.
1. James

In the end, I knew how it would end. On the surface, James had won my heart long before, possibly before either of us realised it. So, dear reader, listen as I tell you how I knew I loved James. After that, I will tell you how I knew I loved Severus. Then I shall head to the meeting that will decide my fate. Yes, I sit on the precipice and even though I know what my decision will be, the anticipation of seeing Severus one last time, not to mention the inevitable hopeful look on his face when he sees me again, excites me more than I feel is decent.

I did not fully realise my feelings for James until our seventh year. I had spent sixth essentially alone. I was surrounded by people, friends even, but I felt utterly alone. Severus had been my confidante, my best friend. Without him, I realized I had shunned so many other friendships in favor of his and it was too late to create one even close to what Severus and I had. It was disheartening. By seventh year, I was filled to overflowing with a need to talk.

James was the last person I expected to be my listener. We met accidentally walking through the grounds and he fell into step beside me. I was too tired and tense to shoo him away properly, so I didn't say a word.

"Evans...I know something is bothering you. You have no reason to trust me, but if you want to talk, I will listen and I won't judge or tell anyone anything you said. I want you to trust me." He sounded so confidant and normally, that made me want to hex him, but just then, it was exactly what I needed to hear.

In hindsight, I have to wonder: how many marriages are built on relationships that begin with one person on the rebound? My guard was down when I realized James was not who I thought he was. Had Severus never broken my heart, it might never have happened.

I found myself confessing to James then as we walked the grounds.

"I haven't had an easy year. I lost a bit of my youth, I guess and I am disappointed with myself and the world. Does that make sense?" I was nervous, but ready to talk.

He only nodded and kept pace with me.

"James, I know you don't like Severus, but he and I were very close friends for quite some time," I said, not mentioning the night before the "incident." James wasn't ready to hear about that. "Losing his friendship made me realise I don't have many other close friends." I stopped walking, a tear forming in my eye. I wiped it before it fell.

James put his arms around me tentatively, but I leaned into him and he hugged me tightly. He felt surprisingly comforting. His robes smelled like grass and fresh air. I was suddenly aware of how very, very different he was from Severus.

With James' arms around me, I could lay my head on his shoulder. With Severus, I had only been able to rest my head on his chest. James hands were large and thick, but so gently pressed against my lower back. Severus had long, thin fingers and always pressed me against him so tightly, like he thought I might run. I choked back a sob, but the tears came anyway and I let them silently fall down my face onto his robes.

James didn't let go of me and he started whispering to me. I caught some of it. "It'll be all right," and "it's okay, Lily..." My first name from his lips sounded so sweet. Like something to be admired. It frightened me a little, but I could not deny the affection in his voice either.

"James..." I whispered back to him and his hands delicately went around my head and neck, holding me securely in front of his face.

"Lily," he said, his eyes falling to small slits. "I can't replace him, but I want to be your friend. We can be closer than friends." And he kissed me. His lips were full and soft, gentle and tender. The tears did not stop as we kissed, but I relaxed and tried to reconcile the Potter I hated and the James I found myself snogging.

I could not help but compare him to Severus, especially with the way things had been left between us. His lips were fuller than Severus', but he was far less aggressive. His tongue felt different rubbing against my own, but my curiousity outweighed my shock and I did my best to enjoy him.

He pulled back, breathless, his eyes wide. "I...I always wanted to do that." I smiled at him, not sure how to respond to that. "You're a good kisser."

"Thanks," I said softly, my smile feeling a bit more wicked. "You're not bad yourself."

"Really? That was my first time." I started at that admission. I was impressed with his courage, taking the initiative to kiss me when he had never done it before.

"Lily, I will do what it takes to earn your trust." There in his eyes, I saw his honesty and the goodness he had inside. It warmed my heart to think I might be worthy of it.

I threw my arms around him and brought my face right to his. "Let's see if you can stay quiet about this," and this time I kissed him, threading my fingers through his hair.

To my surprise, James kept his promise. He did not tell anyone about kissing me. As far as I could tell, even Sirius, Peter and Remus did not know. They suspected something was up, as James and I were courteous to each other instead of bickering. Plus, James seemed to be spending a surprising amount of time by himself. In fact, he was with me.

The day I realised I loved James, we were sitting by the lake studying Transfiguration, the only area he could help me with. I was reading the textbook when I felt a presence on my shoulder. An owl had landed there and when I snatched the parchment, it immediately flew away. I looked after it questioningly before turning to the parchment.

Unrolling it slowly, I held my breath.

Lily,

I must speak to you. Meet me at our tree an hour after dinner.

Severus

I read it over and over, just staring at it. How dare he? What made him think I wanted to see him, to talk to him? I could feel my face getting hot with anger and frustration. James was peering at me over his book.

"What is it?" he asked.

I swallowed. "Do you really want to know?"

"You can trust me."

I nodded. "Severus wants to meet me today to speak to me." I met his eyes to see his reaction. I saw anger there...and disappointment, but he nodded.

"Is that okay?" I asked him softly, placing my hand over his.

Without hesitation, he nodded. "I trust you." He shrugged. He looked sad, his lips pulled into a frown and shoulders hunched.

It was then it hit me and slipped from my lips without warning. "I love you James." Once it was out, I couldn't take it back and for a few long moments, I wished desperately that I could. It took him that long to respond.

When he did, I was suddenly in a full body hug there on the grass, his lips all over my face, my arms around his neck. "Oh, Lily, I love you too," he whispered over and over.

It had been his trust in me that did it. Over the last month or so, we had become close and he was genuinely a good guy. He was not the person I had thought. Potter hexed people and was cruel for no reason. James was a responsible head boy who helped first years of _any _house find their classrooms. He was dangerously loyal to his friends (and now to me). And he looked at me like he was the luckiest man in the world.

"Thank you, James," I whispered, brushing his lips with my own.

He gave me a serious look. "Just be careful, Lily. I wouldn't want to hurt your friend."

I smiled nervously and he kissed me. I tried to pay attention, but my mind kept wandering back to Severus. Would James be so trusting if he knew about that night before Severus and I stopped being friends? Was it really any of his business?

I almost groaned when I realised it was his business. He deserved to know.

"James," I said and he pulled back to look at me. "You realise Severus has feelings for me, right?"

He didn't flinch. "Of course."

I was surprised. "Really?"

He smiled. "Come on, Lily, the guy has been in love with you for as long as I've known you...and him." He smile faltered a bit. "You're my girlfriend now, aren't you?"

A warm feeling washed over me and I wiggled beneath him, savoring it. "Yes."

He grinned with relief and kissed me. "Good."

I pushed my doubts and concerns deep inside and surrendered to the boy above me, so full of life and energy and love.

!! !! !! !! !!

James walked back to the common room with me, squeezing my hand before I dashed up the hallway to my dormitory. I needed some time before seeing Severus again. I was full of conflicting feelings and none seemed to be right.

Severus was my best friend for so long. Didn't he deserve another chance? But he would do it again. That name would escape his lips at some point and then I would be truly broken. No, it was too late. He had chosen his path and to my chagrin, I was not a part of it. That disappointed me, but the thought of James lessened the pain that was aching in my chest. It amplified my nerves though.


	2. Severus

Now, dear reader, welcome to part two. This is undoubtedly all out of order, as I fell in love with Severus first. However, James is more important now and therefore deserves first billing.

I realised too late. I know that now. For that reason alone, it was never meant to be. I see him as a momentary interlude in my life. He is outside of time almost. Every time I see him, the child inside me awakens and I feel like I am with my other half. It used to be a satisfying feeling. Now my other half feels strange to me. Seeing him now makes me feel dangerous because I really don't know him anymore. I just think I do. Even as I curse myself for ruining what might have been something wonderful, I can't help but think maybe that is how it was meant to be. Maybe this would have been the result no matter what we did.

The night before Severus called me a mudblood, we were studying for the DADA test. Slughorn allowed us to use a classroom, as we were among his favorite students. We sat side by side at a table, reading and taking notes, shoulders touching ever so slightly.

Suddenly, I heard a heavy sigh from my study partner. This usually indicated Severus wanted to talk. I turned to him, ready to listen.

"I heard a rumor about you."

"Oh?" I asked, not particularly interested. He couldn't really believe that stuff.

"Did you snog Black?" his voice was strangled with emotion. I was surprised. He seemed genuinely upset.

Unfortunately, it was sort of true. My face must have been so red. "It was just on the cheek."

His shoulders relaxed and he looked at me again. "Oh."

"Nope, only person I have ever kissed on the lips was you. Never you know...snogged." I was red again.

He gave me a questioning look. "You kissed me?"

How could he not remember? "Yes! Oh my gosh, you don't remember?" He shook his head. "Sev, we were twelve and I was crying and you were trying to make me feel better. We were out by the lake and I missed my mom and dad. You were so sweet," I said, lightly touching his face. He looked so stern.

"I remember." His eyes were locked on mine and for the first time in memory, I felt uncomfortable under his scrutiny. I felt exposed and vulnerable. It was an intriguing feeling. Others usually cowered to me, not me to them. Sev had always been different. He was the boss. We didn't talk about it and he did not exploit it, but here, his eyes peering deeply into my own, I felt something I didn't quite understand.

"You got so embarrassed that you ran off. I just wanted to thank you." I eyed his lips. "Would you run off if I tried it again?"

He scowled. "I don't want you to thank me with a kiss."

"Oh," was all I got out. I felt small and presumptuous. I hadn't meant to upset him. I looked down at my shoes.

"I want you to _want _to do it." My eyes met his and the expression on his face was familiar. It said, I dare you. You would never do it.

So, of course, I did. My lips crashed against his, harder than I had planned, but after a few moments of awkward movements, we settled on pressing our lips together softly. His hands were on my arms, holding me in place. He moved his head to the side and I felt his tongue tracing the seam of my lips, inquiring.

My mind was blank. For the first time in a long time, I felt out of control. My lips moved without thought, along with my tongue and my hands. I suddenly needed him. He seemed to reciprocate my lust, lifting me onto the desktop and moving between my legs, pressing his torso to mine. He felt slim, but dense, like he could protect me. His height meant I was always tilted back to meet his lips and before I knew it I was on my back with him above me, a hardness between us that I was completely unfamiliar with.

I was dazed when he pulled back and met my eyes. "Sev?" I murmured, running my fingers through his hair as he placed kisses along my jaw to my ear.

"Yes, Lily?" he whispered, his hot breath on my ear sending shivers down my spine.

"Where...where did this come from?" I gestured between us, laid out on the desk, him pressed against me, my legs spread and lazily looped around him. I was honestly stunned. As sweet and wonderful I believed my best friend to be, I did not know he held such passion inside - such desire. Was I that dense? No, I reasoned, Sev and I had always been closer than best friends. We were always physically close, probably because he did not get any affection at home...I don't know. I never asked why we held hands or could share a twin bed easily. For a long time, I thought all best friends did it. My mother had been the one to point out young ladies don't do some of those things once they are fourteen.

Here I was, only one year later, with Severus between my legs and the urge to feel his bare skin against mine growing by the second. My mother was right.

"Lily, you are my favorite person in the whole world. Who better to fall in love with?" My insides felt suddenly hollow and shame washed over me. How had I not known? I suddenly wondered if I had made a big mistake.

"I've...I guess I just never really thought about it, Sev." He looked stricken for a moment before his face became a blank mask. He nodded, but didn't move away. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but...I just...need to sort of get used to the idea of...well, you know..." I didn't want to assume and say "us."

"If you prefer, we could just forget about this." He gave me a look. "I would do that for you."

Self-sacrifice. Severus was willing to walk away if I asked him to. In that simple statement, I realized how much he truly cared for me. He knew I was going to make a decision based on what would be best for all concerned, not just me. Plus, he was giving me an out. But I could tell how much he did not want me to take it. Even now, he was still pressed between my legs, the hardness there not feeling uncomfortable whatsoever. His fingers were tracing my face, like he was memorizing it; his dark eyes intense behind the hair he allowed to hang in his eyes.

In his eyes was...concession. He was finally giving in to me. His kiss was gentle yet possessive and I felt something inside I had never felt before. It started in my stomach and went lower and lower. Yes indeed, I was aroused by Severus. It blew my mind. He was not the traditional kind of handsome, but that was why I liked his face. His crooked nose and teeth reminded me of childhood and our meager, yet not so similar, upbringings. His hair shined like satin in the sun and felt good under my fingers. There was no curl or wave to it, just stick straight, like thin black thread. His cheekbones were slightly pronounced and running my finger across it, I realized he had soft skin.

He nuzzled my neck, his body pleasantly heavy against mine. "Well?" he asked, his voice tight and strained.

I bit my lip as I pondered. He was mine in this moment. No one else's. I could do what I wanted, what I wished. "Let's talk about it tomorrow. For now, let's indulge in a little more...uh..." I wiggled my eyebrows. "...experimentation."

He gave me a strange look, but brought his lips to mine, breathing through his nose as his tongue pushed into my mouth. There, in his arms, friends becoming lovers in a classroom, all alone, I realised I loved Severus. I knew it was doomed. Every second of that night felt temporary, which may be why things went so far so fast. Either way, my heart was warm with the thought of him and when he kissed me, his passion awakened my own, until we were just a hot, sweaty mess, both panting with exertion and a mixture of shock and satisfaction. The first time was supposed to be awful and it was at first, but we worked past it and now I felt like my whole life had built to this moment.

As we readied ourselves to face the world, he turned to me, grabbing my wrist. My shoe dangled between us. "Lily, I love you." He was smiling at me. It was so beautiful.

I smiled up at him. "I love you too, Sev." His eyes slid shut and he looked so quietly blissful, I found myself shocked to silence. I had meant to continue.

"Thank you," he whispered, sweeping me into his arms. My arms went around his neck and he lifted me up until I was level with his face.

"Think you'll keep growing?" I asked him playfully, nuzzling his chin with my nose.

He seemed to come alive under my caresses and he shrugged, his lips on my neck. "Is it a problem?"

I giggled and shook my head, feeling so small and safe tucked up against him, his arms holding me off the ground. Our lips met and I wondered how we could maintain the passion after the night before, when so much had been expended, but it was there...rushing up and down my limbs, warming that whole area below my navel.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Sev. Thanks for...erm, studying with me." I kissed the tip of his nose. He blushed scarlet, but pressed his lips to mine again.

"Thank you Lily." It was just a deep whisper, but it sent chills down my spine. He left me there and I walked back to the common room completely in a daze.

!! !! !! !! !! !!

And then, he made the mistake everyone knows about. Called me a mudblood. I have repeated the word so many times in my head that it no longer has any meaning. It has become a sound. A sound of hate issued from lips that I thought loved me. At first, I had wondered if it was all some cunning Slytherin plan. Seduce the girl and embarass her. But Severus had never told anyone what we had done. If he had bragged, then I could have said it was all a devious plot. Instead, I was left with the realisation that he made a stupid mistake and ruined what could have been.

Now, dear readers, I head toward my last meeting with Severus. James has issued an ultimatum. Marry him or end it. I must answer tomorrow. Sev agreed to meet me at his house on Spinner's End in...forty minutes. I best leave soon to make it there early. I have to apparate to my parents' old house first. Wish me luck.


	3. Severus II

As I walk toward the Snape house, I realize how unprepared I felt. My emotions all over the place - anxiety the only constant. My palms are damp and I feel flushed. I seem to be walking quite slowly toward my destination.

Finally standing before the dark house, I marshall all the courage I have and knock on his door. Muffled, I hear, "come in." Entering, I find him sitting in a large chair with a cup of tea. He looks posed.

"Care to sit?" he asks, gesturing to the chair beside his own. I perch on the edge of the chair after removing my cloak. Smoothing my skirt over my knees, I cross my ankles. I felt anxious and somehow vulnerable. I found my arms crossing without thinking.

"Your letter was quite vague. What is the meaning of this visit?" He was nearly businesslike in his tone.

I had already decided not to waste my time or his. Honesty was the only way. I met his gaze. "James has proposed. I have not yet given him an answer."

To his credit, Severus did not appear unnerved in the slightest. He sipped his tea. "Why ever not?"

I glared at him. "I feel I have some unfinished business."

"Really?" His nonchalance was maddening.

"I suppose if you disagree, then I have nothing to do here." I stood abruptly.

His thin fingers wrapped around my wrist and pulled me toward him. I stood there for a long moment, our eyes locked. I waited until I saw something in his eyes, in his face, that was familiar. That was Severus. When I saw it, as brief as it was, I relaxed some. Setting aside his tea, I slid into his lap.

His serenity remained even as I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled his neck with my face. Breathing deeply, he smelled achingly familiar. It nearly brought tears to my eyes, but his hands on my face stopped my breath and all thoughts.

"Lily," he said, softly and breathily, "you should not be here."

"I had to see you one last time. I didn't know if you would see me, but I had to try." He brought his face to mine and our foreheads bumped together he was so close. His eyes were shut but his grip was like steel around my wrist.

"What made you think of me when your..._beau _was on bended knee?" His eyes flew open at the mention of James, punctuating his disdain with a sneer, as well as causing an intense pang of nostalgia. No one was ever quite so dramatic as Severus, but instead of being a hissy mess like the school gossip, Severus was sarcastic and brilliantly witty. I had to bite my lip to prevent the tears I could feel coming.

I found myself at a loss for words though, trapped there so close to him, tears threatening, my nerves so frayed I couldn't think straight. Maybe it wasn't nerves.

The silence was thick with tension and after a moment, my eyes slid shut and I listened to him breathe. He seemed to be breathing completely normal and so as I listened, I began to pattern my breathing after his. Slow, deep breaths. I began to feel calmer immediately.

He released my wrists and without thinking, I brought my hands to his chest and opened my eyes, hoping he wouldn't fling me off. He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes, but the slightest smile broke free from his scowl and he hugged me tightly to him in a surprisingly fluid motion. His face was pressed against my neck. I couldn't help but be aware of his lips right near my ear, little bursts of hot breath coming from him.

It felt so good to hug him, I thought I would definitely cry, but instead, I nestled in and tried to enjoy the moment as much as I could. He was satisfying in a different way than James was. Like the subtle, yet nice differences between eating chocolate and eating strawberries. Both good in their own ways.

After a few moments of blissful silence, he finally spoke. "Why are you here?"

Why was he doing this? Was there some reason he felt the need to hear me say it? Had he become a glutton for punishment along with a minion to the Dark Lord? But the words seemed heartfelt and so I said, softly, "Like I said. Unfinished business."

He squeezed me tightly one last time and pulled back a little to look at my face. "Correct me if I am wrong, but you're here to say good-bye."

Tears welled again. "Yes." I felt so sorry for myself right then, but I tried and tried to focus on him. To remind myself that as bad as it was for me, he was worse off. I could go back to James. He would return to an empty bed with memories and nothing more.

His face scrunched up in a most unbecoming way and I couldn't tell if he would cry or yell. After a moment, he seemed to regain his color and his control. "It is for the best. You must not return here."

My eyes slid shut then and I could not figure out what to do. So he had given up. My mind was made up, but...but some part of me had hoped he might...might fight for me. Stupid. Selfish. Yet, I ached like my body had been dunked in a tub of ice water.

He brought his lips to mine, his cool hands cupping my face gently, his lips pressing gently. After a moment, he pulled back. "Promise me you won't return."

Eyes flying open, I started to shake my head, but his hands held fast. "I can't do that." It came out as a whisper.

His lips thinned and his jaw worked. "This place is not safe. No place is safe, but you **cannot **come here again."

I nodded as much as his hands would allow, but I knew I was lying. I would come back. I would always come back.

"Say it, Lily," Severus said, kissing the tip of my nose before feathering small kisses along the edge of my lips.

"I won't come back." My hands had found the nape of his neck and the feeling of his slim neck beneath my fingers was exciting...

His lips moved to the crick of my neck and a sigh escaped before I could squelch it. "Promise me," he breathed against the moistened skin.

"I...I promise, Sev." Finally he covered my mouth and slid his tongue along the seam once before pushing possessively into my mouth.

The aggressive desire was nearly coming off him in waves and I couldn't help but be swept away by it as his hands scrambled madly with my top. I couldn't find it within myself to resist. All I could think was: this is it, this is the last time...forever and ever. It meant every kiss, every caress was punctuated by an erotic sadness.

I considered speaking for a moment, but dismissed it. Nothing I can say can help right now. Instead, I slid my hands into his trousers onto his hips and continued to snog him, trying not to think about where this was leading.

"Lily," he whispered, pulling back only a bit, "how long can you stay?"

"Few hours," I said, not meeting his eyes. "Why?"

"How would you like to spend our last hours together, Lily?"

His voice sent shivers down my spine and tingles deep inside. I knew my smile had to be sad. "Brew a potion?"

"Look at me," he said firmly. I couldn't help but do so. His eye swere dark and I searched them for some color, some lightness. Nothing but black and spots of deep dark brown. The sparkle was coming from deeper inside. "As much as I despise this place, it would be made more tolerable if you would accompany me to my room."

Whoa. I tried not to appear startled, but he may have seen it anyway, I didn't look at him to see. After swallowing and thinking fast, I said, "Do you really feel the need to ask?"

He shrugged. "I would prefer _you _ask, but I understand you want to keep some semblance of fidelity to..." He scowled.

I swallowed again. I knew what he wanted and it was such a small thing, really. Tomorrow, James and I would be together again and for every day after that. Then bound in holy matrimony within a few months.

"Severus, will you take me to your bed and ravish me like..." I met his eyes, which were narrowed slightly, "...like you may never see me again?"

He swept me into his arms and hugged me tightly, unable to breathe for a moment due to his hold. "Thank you," he whispered in my ear.

He led me to his room, which was actually the same room he had slept in as long as I had known him. I followed him in, taking in the room.

"Your room hasn't changed much."

"It is only a place to sleep." He pulled the covers back on the twin bed and sat at the edge. "At least, it was until now. Accept my apologies for the size of the bed. I am too tall for it, but I haven't had the time to procure another."

I eyed him, but sat beside him, my shirt still open from earlier. "Have you considered using your parents'--"

He cut me off. "No."

"I understand, just...erm, curious, I guess." Where did my sudden anxiety come from? Was I having second thoughts? Had his childhood bedroom jogged something? I had been here once before when we were about ten years old and it had been a disaster...

Instead, I turned and looked at Severus. He seemed nervous, his eyes darting about the room and his hands twisting in the bed linens. His eyes met mine and he smiled slightly. It was adorable.

I slid my arm around his waist and slid up against him, putting my face against his chest. "I hope you don't hate me, Sev."

He slid his arms around me, but his chest seemed to tighten under my head. "Not a chance."

I scoffed. "I would probably hate me if I were you."

"I have tried. It just isn't possible."

I squeezed him and turned my face to his. "I am so sorry, Severus. You really deserve better."

"Stop."

"I just wish things had turned out differently--"

"Please, I have enough regrets for us both. Now I will kiss you and you will stop speaking."

He was good as his word.

---

It was difficult to leave Severus, but I did. Looking back over my shoulder, I told myself I would not return. I didn't believe it, but it was the right thing to do. Somehow, I can't imagine never seeing him again - never seeing the look on his face when he leans in to kiss me - I don't know that I could live another fifty years without it. Yeah, I'll be back.

It's a comforting thought.

A/N: I had this typed up & I wanted to finish this story so I could stop thinking about it (writer's remorse for leaving it partially finished).


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